SPT 02.27.2007
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black and white
I read someone’s signature line today on a website that I frequent. It said, "there’s a skinny woman inside me screaming to get out, I gave her a few cookies to shut her up."
I’ve never understood that, joking, laughing about fat. I’ve never been comfortable being fat. I’ve always been embarassed by it. I’ve been the fat girl my whole life…..from at least 2nd grade on. So I’m used to being fat, but I’m still embarrassed about it.
When I was younger I refused to even talk to or be friends with other fat people because I didn’t want people to say "look she can only be friends with other fat girls." I never once said anything about being fat in a positive or joking way until I met Jon. Jon showed me that some people liked women that were curvy. The first time I willingly went into a Lane Bryant was after I met Jon. When my mom would take me to the women’s section of Sears I would cry…litterally cry.
In the last 8 years I’ve definately mellowed out in all sorts of ways. I shop in the plus sized stores and sections, I have friends that are all shapes and sizes, I even joke around with my fat sisters about our size. I still though feel inner hatred for my fat (and really for myself, because the fat is such an integral part of my me). Its taken a long long time to even see how someone that wasn’t my family could love me. I’ve even had to wrestle it out with God. He made me, but why; why this way, why isn’t it easy, how could even HE still love me this way. But we’ve worked it out I know HE loves me no matter what, and wants the best for me, and wants me to love myself.
I’m lucky, I photograph well, so I don’t mind photos of me when they are taken correctly. But I still am fighting with that skinny woman inside me screaming to get out. I don’t want to laugh it off and shut her up with cookies!
more b&w portraits at www.selfportraitchallenge.net
Don’t be too hard on those who laugh at themselves for being fat. It is their way of coping, just as yours was to surround yourself with the non-fat and avoid plus size clothing stores.
I used to weigh 280 and I was a laugher. Not only that, but I threw myself into theater and went out of my way to laugh at myself before others others did. It’s been 12 years and I still use laughter as a coping tool, just for other insecurities I have.
I think that your progress in yourself is truly wonderful. Few get how hard it is unless they’ve been there.
Applause.
I have yet to see a bad photo of you! I think it is funny what you feel and what I see are so opposite. I think every photo I see of you, you look fun, sensual, real, lively and lovely. I don’t think the word “fat” ever came up in my head
The amazing thing is that no matter what size we are, we never seem to be happy with what we have. When I was younger and in a “thin” phase, I was a bit obsessed with it all. Diet , exercise. But that just sucked!
So now I am in between. Some day’s I am ok with that, some day’s I am not. We are who we are. And well, I really like cookies!
Cute expression! You do photograph well.
Sam
Gee, Joy . . .you know, that is NOT what I see when I look at you ~ what I see is an amazingly creative and verbose woman who gets across a point with flair and fashion.
I see inside to the heart of a woman who loves her Lord, her family, and herhobbies passionately.
I see beauty. Unadulterated beauty of the God-kind.
Girl…I laughed out loud when I read that! I totally know how you feel…
On a seperate note…read my blog and/or e-mail me for some details!
Jess
joy, I love your honesty. you are such a beautiful woman.
As a former skinny mini, I joke about my fatness. I work with kids and they are often brutally honest. At least once a year, a younger student will ask me if I’m going to have a baby. I usually just tell them no and move on. When older kids ask me that, I tell them the truth. “No. I’m fat.” Most of them back-peddle and stammer that I’m not fat. But I know I am.
Would I like to be skinnier? Absolutely. But I’m not and can’t imagine I will be again in my life.
That skinny girl is just a wisp of a memory for me now. I am comfortable referring to myself as fat. Does that make me a better woman? Nope…just more confortable with my squishiness
((hugs))
wow, girl. that was a powerful, honest post…so many women are hard on themselves, including me. i am glad, for you, that you found jon.
i have told you before, that i think you are beautiful. and i love that you are so…well…YOU.
be good to yourself. xo
I can really identify with this post. Being a curvy gal myself, I know exactly where you’re coming from. You are gorgeous and photograph your beautifully. I, on the other hand, hate how I look in pictures. Women are way to critical of themselves and of each other.
joy, i just love how honest you are in your blog. you really are an amazing woman.
Joy, you are beautiful inside and out!:)
Joy, you’re awesome. So many people spend their lives working on the package and not the contents, and I think you’re much more than the sum of your parts. You’ve got not only external beauty, but you’ve also got heart and soul.